Depressed with Dieting : my baby weight loss journey #10

I am having to blog these retrospectively as I have been up to my eyes in moving house.

It is now 3:30 in the morning and I have no internet yet here, can’t connect to my phone as it has decided to die, but I figured I’ll blog now, post it to the web later when I can find a connection.

I’m sat in the bath blogging because I can’t sleep.  Moving house not long after moving churches has been hard.  My husband doesn’t drive and he couldn’t get any time off work, so although he is amazing when he’s here, he just hasn’t been able to be around.  The church is my social connection.  Obviously, when you have children your social structure changes.  No longer am I able to ‘party’ with the people who basically were my drinking buddies and you just lose contact.  Some of my drinking buddies were Mum’s but they were single Mum’s who, although I know it wasn’t their ideal, they had learnt the joys of shared custody, meaning there were nights they had free to not feel like a Mum and go out.  This is when single girl I, would see them.

Anyway, I ate :

Breakfast

Monday…..Monday…..racking my brain….,vi shake, I think?

Lunch

Left over lasagne that my mum had made.

Dinner

Left over Chinese from Sunday evening, duck and pancakes basically.

I had like zero energy to help my hubby with packing, got myself all in a tizz.  Ended up sending him to the shop for the dreaded coca cola so I could have a sugar rush and help with packing.  I also had quite a bit of pro plus that day and a Costa coffee.

I’m just going to post the whole week now then I can begin afresh next post.

Tuesday

Breakfast – McDonald’s Big Breakfast meal, came straight back up with the stress of packing me thinks

Lunch – chicken burger (plain), chips and curry sauce from the chippy.  My mum didn’t want me to have the stress of making lunch just before we moved.

Dinner – some chicken breast (packet from sainsbury’s) on a bread roll as I couldn’t find any cutlery or anything for that matter as the movers were still delivering boxes.

Wednesday

Breakfast – bagel with Philadelphia from McD’s 

Lunch – Pizza Hut buffet (I treated my mum as we’d been on our knees scrubbing the old house all morning) it’s my mum’s fave.

Dinner – Chinese takeaway at our new house. Couldn’t find my wok to start cooking the meal I’d bought ingredients for.

Thursday

Breakfast – bagel with Philadelphia from McD’s 

Lunch – mushroom and ricotta pasta with creme fraiche and cheese sauce

Dinner – Chinese again (not good)

Friday

Breakfast – bagel with Philadelphia (I made at home)

Ridiculously stressful morning with estate agents and being ripped off by people, had a chocolate tea cake at Costa coffee

Lunch – felt like I was doing ok despite the adversity til now, I went on a Macdonald’s binge, I had a chicken legend meal (plain) large, and 20 nuggets.  I felt sick but just kept eating, really, really bad.  Totally my response to extreme stress.  Had just found out all the scrubbing on my hands and knees with my mum for the last few days was pointless and that we were going to lose a few hundred pounds on our deposit anyway.  Long story, but this is where it all went wrong.

Dinner – Chinese (AGAIN) it was mine and the hubby’s anniversary and it had been a terrible day.  I didn’t dare try a different restaurant after the day we’d had so just stuck with this takeaway, as it’s the only one we know at the new address that we like.

Saturday

Breakfast – bagel with Philadelphia

Lunch – pasta (tagliatelle) with stir in carbonara sauce from sainsbury’s

Dinner – lasagne portion from my mum’s house (she gave me in a container so I didn’t have to cook, house still in massive uproar)

Sunday

Breakfast – felt very very sick.  Had a couple of bags of crisps, supposed to be healthy rye ones.  I had thrown up so just wanted something dry.

Lunch – pasta with stir in tomato and mascarpone sauce from sainsbury’s 

Dinner – oh yes, you’ve guessed it, Chinese again, but then I was sick, so no more Chinese for me.  Being I’ll has put me off it.

As you can see a terrible week as far as dieting/healthy eating is concerned.  It was a terrible week in general though.  At least, we are in our new home now that we love, even if it is in uproar.

I haven’t dared face the scales yet *petrified* – maybe tomorrow, sorry guys.

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Depressed with Dieting : my baby weight loss journey #3

Today has been a massive failure of gargantuan proportions.  It all started off so well, we had weight watchers bacon (you know the type with all the fat cut off) and fried (in fry-lite) eggs for breakfast.  Slimming World friendly. Then…… I began my tasks for the day.

*uh oh*

Funeral Favours

I had to go to the retail park to buy Haribo as I was making funeral favours to take down South with us tomorrow.  James’ cousin was a HUGE sweet lover so I thought it would be nice to have these at the wake.

I determined that it would just be a quick outing so I would not take the Bugaboo Donkey as it’s not as quick to assemble from the back of our Toyota Yaris as the micralite superlite.  So, I figured I would just wear Eden in the baby björn.

Baby Wearing

I had just been to fill up the car with petrol before our long drive tomorrow and when I arrived at the till at Poundland I realised I had left my bank card with the hubster, not before I’d emptied the entire contents of my handbag on the counter (twice).  So, I bought what I could with the pound coins in the car I keep for parking, then left to get my bank card back from James.  After, a big rant and then some laughs at myself I returned back to the retail park and purchased the rest of the sweets I needed, and also bought some clothes for Judah and Eden from Next and Mamas & Papas!  I have a severe shopping problem when it comes to the children so I need to be restrained.  However, having to push a stroller and wear a baby did not deter this avid shopper.  I will post pics of the children in my purchases on Wednesday for the funeral.  

I decided it had been a stressful morning and therefore Judah and I deserved a quick lunch (before I had to get on) *fail number 1*

We went through the Macdonald’s drive thru and I had a plain (no lettuce or mayo) chicken legend meal – large *ahem* (hangs head) with a coke *sigh*.  Judah had a chicken nugget Happy Meal. (See my post on Fast Food Mommy

At this point, aside from failing my own challenge to avoid these food short cuts, especially for Judah, I reasoned that this wasn’t too bad a failure.  I had weighed myself again in the morning (after breakfast) and had lost weight AGAIN somehow (134.4kg’s).  We arrived home, munched our lunch and then I cracked on making the favours.

The baby ate it, not me!

I managed to resist any and all sweets whilst making the favours, Judah munched some though.  Then proceeded with some housework, collected the mister from work and then took him out for dinner *fail number 2*.  I thought if we just had the Macdonald’s slip up at lunch and I had a healthy dinner it wouldn’t be too bad…. However, we ended up at Frankie & Benny’s (wouldn’t blame you if you never read my blog again).  

I had potato skins with BBQ chicken & sweetcorn to start, some of Judah’s cheesy garlic bread & the chicken parmigiana for my main.  Two glasses of Pepsi. *sad face*

I enjoyed my food but writing it down in this post now makes me feel sad, I failed big time.  Tomorrow I will begin again.  The scales will probably show my failure when I weigh myself tomorrow morning.

This face makes me feel better though….

Judah enjoying his Spaghetti

In the words of Scarlet O’Hara ‘after all, tomorrow is another day’

Bad Mums Club #1 : fast food Mommy

Bad Mums Club #1 : Fast Food Mommy

When I started weaning my 20 month old after breast feeding exclusively for 6 months, I had bought myself a few Annabel Karmel books and followed to the letter her steps for weaning and made everything from fresh that passed my baby’s lips.  Once he hit about 10 months I was very unwell with hyperemesis and 3 months pregnant with his sister and he started to live on the Ella’s Kitchen pouches.  I had researched and determined they were the best for him and the most comparable if I wasn’t going to be able to cook for him.  He only stopped breast feeding when I was so bad in my pregnancy I couldn’t hold him to feed.  He was so used to having my expressed milk that he started biting me as it was like he’d forgotten how to feed.  I got to the point where I couldn’t express anymore as I was too unwell and wasn’t getting out anywhere near enough for him.  I only premise this to give you an idea of how far I have fallen in my own sights.

In our household for the past 2 months now we have all been so unwell, myself included and I have just been completely lacking in energy.  Obviously Eden is only 3 months old now and so memories of me being stuck in bed very unwell whilst pregnant and those depressed feelings have come back very quickly whilst being too unwell to do much.

This has resulted in me driving my hubby to work and then heading in the car straight to my mum’s house (on days she’s not working) so that I can have some help with the babies.  As soon as I get in the car I realise I haven’t eaten or sometimes even fed Judah.  Eden feeds from me so I then feel guilty for my quality of milk and encourage myself to eat…….*enter stage left* – Macdonald’s Drive Thru.  It is literally 2 mins away from my house and on the way to my parents there is another one, so even when I’ve sometimes managed to avoid it, by the time I’ve been driving half an hour and the hunger pangs have set in, I end up buying at the other branch.

Sometimes when I’ve been in the car running errands the only thing that stops me going back at lunch time is the sheer horror that the staff will recognise me and my car from the breakfast run, then pure shame forces me to make other arrangements.  

I have made drastic changes recently to this pattern of behaviour since a few weeks ago my little boy 20 months old started saying ‘pease pease’ whenever he saw those Golden Arches as he knew they meant food.  So horrified was I, I have been now trying to avoid this pattern.  He also recognises take away bags as dinner time.  I don’t want him to grow up with issues with food, I’m all for a treat but the pattern formed recently in our house must stop.

However, this week with all the motorway driving and stress of bereavement I am a fully paid up member of the Bad Mums Club.

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Angina (or extreme stress mimicking a heart attack)

Angina (or extreme stress mimicking a heart attack)

Why is it that men always feel the need to put on a front? Even to the women they love? My lovely husband has been disguising the fact that he has been having severe chest pain for the last 3 weeks. We have had issues with his chest before but he was told it was just severe acid (which I likened to pregnant heartburn) and was given some tablets to combat the acid reflux when it started.

Each time he would clutch at his chest I would ask him, ‘is it your acid thing again? Have you taken one of your acid tablets?’ He would just nod and smile, so I thought nothing more of it.

At the weekend he tells me that the pain’s got worse and he should get checked at the docs. (This is a very rare occurrence, I usually have to beg). So after failing to call in time to get an appointment Monday or Tuesday, (again I hadn’t sensed the urgency as he downplays everything A LOT) I set my alarm Wednesday morning to call the doctor.

First appointment of the day 9 o’clock, I offer to drive him down there (literally 5 mins walk) as it was raining and I was intending to head off to my tots play group afterwards. He comes out of the appointment carrying one of those blood test bags, and I knew we would need to go queue at some health centre somewhere to get his blood taken.

I ask him in the car, what did they say? ‘It’s either Angina or extreme stress mimicking a heart attack’, *confused* ‘How did they get to that conclusion? Last time they told you it was acid’, ‘no, I knew it was bad as I’ve been having shooting pains up and down my arm when it happens too, I just didn’t tell you as I didn’t want you to worry!’

Grr…. does anyone else get really angry by their other half doing things like this? Not to worry? Doesn’t he realise that the fact he’s been having these bad pains for 3 weeks knowing it was bad and doing nothing about it, makes me worry so much more? How can I trust him to look after himself? What if he’d been left with the baby and had a heart attack? and the questions keep coming….

Off we zoom to get his bloods checked, they were checking for pneumonia just incase, and they booked him in for an ECG next Friday.

As a couple we do LOADS, we obviously have a family of 3.8 children, (Eden’s due date is only 7 weeks away now) and we are heavily involved in our church and all the social actions ran through our church charity. Also, as my husband heads up the welcome team we have at least 2 couples/families over a week for dinner so that we can get to know them better and help cultivate a family atmosphere amongst our church.

Since I have been so immobile this pregnancy James cooks every time a guest comes. As I can’t lift Judah out of his cot (without extreme pain) he has done ALL the nighttime feeds since I stopped b/feeding at 10 months due to my hyperemesis being so bad I couldn’t hold the baby. Judah is now 15 months old yesterday. When I am exhausted he lets me go to sleep and he looks after the baby (I know I am spoilt but honestly, if this pregnancy had not mainly been in his summer student ridiculously long holidays, I don’t think I would’ve coped). He has been doing all the washing as thanks to my torn tummy muscles I cannot lift at all, and barely bend forward an inch without agony. I recently discovered I can wash up if I sit next to the sink, so have reclaimed this task (he never does it properly anyway) but other than that (oh and the incessant polishing/dusting I insist on doing) he does mostly everything.

I have had to scale back his duties MASSIVELY as if it is stress I don’t want his body mimicking a heart attack, if it’s Angina, I don’t want him having a heart attack, but there are still some things I just CANNOT do.

I let my Mum take Judah after we had the news when she finished work Wednesday afternoon so I could go to the bus project we run (short of volunteers without my hubby so I needed to go) and then my band practice (I sing and play in the church band). He was able to be at home and just rest without having to worry about the baby. Then yesterday I took the children to a friends once their mum had dropped them off so he could rest some more before we had our church family group in our home. The girls then ran off the last of their steam in the soft play at macdonald’s which is where I fed them all.

I don’t know what I would do without our car as I wouldn’t be able to take them anywhere but this way I can give him a break and take more of the heavy lifting.

Eagerly awaiting the results (just so we know what we’re dealing with) after the ECG next Friday and then can work out the best route to go from there. For now, taking the children and entertaining them, banning him from all our social action projects (even though he loves them) til we know what’s what, and cancelling all our dinner guests at least til next Friday seems to be my only option.

Anyone got any tips for getting on with housework after a caesarean? (this seems to be all I can liken my tearing tummy muscles to) so I can do more around the house. The laundry is a huge issue (although my mum had requested I bag it up this weekend for her to take).

Love

Alexandra

Xxx

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