Ice and I in Nero
Ok, so after many tears, which seems to be the normal at the moment, what Daddy didn’t tell me says, ‘I can’t understand how you’re feeling’. I ask, ‘how do you think I am feeling?’, he replies, ‘horribly depressed’. Yes, he is right but after going through a massive depression himself when his ex-wife left him for their female housemate, I suggest that he can identify with this. His reply, ‘when I was depressed, I knew exactly what had pinpointed it’. My response, ‘so do I’….
Right, so are you ready for the rant?
1) My brother goes into hospital after being sectioned September 2012 just before Little Miss Rae Rae’s 3rd birthday. I was breastfeeding JAM and it wasn’t practical for me to go and visit him, also my inlaws were up and staying at our home to celebrate Rae Rae’s birthday festivities. This was difficult for me to cope with, as I had also just agreed to having the girls 4 days a week, which began the first week of September. This was an interesting transitional period. I hated this time but seemed to get through it.
2) Christmas happened… as any new mother can imagine, Christmas with 3 children is a bit intense, especially when you’re expected to travel down to LDN with all of them on a train Christmas Eve weekend. We ended up crushed at London Euston waiting for a delayed Virgin train, to the point that we were in a queue where we could not go forward or go back. Little Miss Rae Rae literally had to stand there and wet herself there was no other option. This resulted in me having a full scale melt down at the Virgin train manager once we were finally allowed through by police that were treating us like cattle. Again, wasn’t nice but I seemed to cope. We had the girls for 10 days over Christmas as for some unbeknown reason, their mother wasn’t bothered about seeing them….?? don’t ask.
3) January 11th – I miscarried. Need I say more? My hormones were all over, I was only 6 weeks gone but it resulted in me marching to the doctors to tell them my suicidal feelings and that I needed help.
4) My sister was sectioned and in hospital the week before my 30th birthday. This completely smashed my heart to pieces, she was so vulnerable, not being treated well and getting worse every day that she was in there. This was the final straw, I stopped going to the gym as soon as I heard the news, my diet went out the window, hopelessness began to set in.
5) As a result of #4, my 30th birthday was a sham. The inlaws came up and what Daddy didn’t tell me took me away the night before my birthday to a beautiful place in the Lakes. This part was lovely and a brief distraction from all going on with my sister but I came back to issues with the children’s Mum and to hear that my sis was getting worse. I still haven’t celebrated my 30th with my family.
6) Mother’s Day sucked. Really sucked. I won’t go into details but I was gut wrenchingly reminded that the girls are not mine and felt utter rejection. I heard bad news about my sister (she’s not out of the woods yet), what Daddy didn’t tell me presented me with a charm from JAM that was a dejavu moment (he presented me with the same charm when JAM was born). Not to sound spoilt, but as I was already having a bad day this was just salt in the wound, I tried to fake happiness but he saw right through it, and I then burst into tears. NB. this was replaced on Monday with a charm I adore and I was overjoyed, just was bad timing on the Sunday
7) Despite seeing a CBT and working hard at it (sleep diary etc), I am still not sleeping, this does not help any of the above.
8) Our finances suck due to my being ill – pressure, pressure!
With all of the above going on, I have been suicidal again this week, which is not like me. I would never do anything, and I identify the thoughts straight away as ridiculous but I need to go back to the GP as something still can’t be right. Can it? I think my hormones must just be everywhere and I have a lot of pressure on me at the moment. This has now (obviously) finally got to what Daddy didn’t tell me and my relationship. I hate when we don’t get on, ours was the sort of romance you could write a steamy novel about. We love each other deeply but I think he just can’t cope with my emotional turmoil anymore. This is more pressure for me as I desperately want to just SNAP OUT OF IT, but it isn’t happening! So back to the GP for me this morning. JAM is now 8 months old. Do you think that I have PND? or just a lot of pressure?
Please feel free to comment
what Mama didn’t tell me