Post Natal Depression is an interesting thing. I’ve not officially been diagnosed with it, but I have certainly been depressed. The doctor’s have referred me to a Cognative Behavioural Therapist and counselling. Counselling is a long waiting list (surprise, surprise) but I’ve been attending my sessions with my Doctor’s resident CBT.
The reason that I don’t think it is related to giving birth is because I was depressed before I got pregnant with JAM. I already was attending counselling to deal with issues of sexual abuse as a child/teenager and my marriage had ended abruptly thanks to my ex-husbands penchant for domestic violence. I stopped counselling when I was pregnant with JAM as I was really happy and I didn’t like the emotions that were rising up within me in my sessions. I had read that although the baby didn’t necessarily feel what I felt, he would receive the same hormone surges as myself. Counselling caused me great stress, and sometimes sadness so I decided to postpone until after he was born rather than giving him a weekly dose of cortisol.
Once JAM was born obviously that brought it’s own stresses but I seemed to be coping. We then committed to having the girls 4 days a week, so now I was a Mum of 3 for more than half a week every week. My adopted brother was sectioned with Mental Health issues whilst I was planning Little Miss Rae Rae’s 3rd birthday party. Then my adopted sister had the same happen to her the week of my 30th birthday (which is still uncelebrated with my side of the family as we’re waiting for her full recovery). On top of all this, January 11th I had an early miscarriage. I was only 6 weeks gone, which doesn’t make it any less heartbreaking, but practically it is a lot less invasive, the issue was that my hormones then went rogue. Enough was enough, I was officially depressed. I took myself off to the GP as I knew it was abnormal to want to die when I had a beautiful 6 month old that I adored. Something had to be wrong. So, I have been taking positive steps to deal with this ever since.
I wasn’t doing much in the day which was when I started blogging, but as I have been coming along with giant strides, I have struggled to find the time. Today, I decided I wish to continue with the blogging and must begin to make it part of my routine. Forgive me for my lack of blogging but I have managed to go out and do something, every day last week. I have been gardening for disabled people, helping local youths on the bus project I work at, visiting my Mum with JAM. Taking Ice to tap coaching classes, joining her PTA and meeting up with old friends. I have come to this conclusion, I LOVE being busy.
I’ve been massively struggling to sleep, which is ironic because JAM has been sleeping brilliantly. He is so much happier when I am out and about rather than struggling to entertain him because I can barely get out of bed. What Daddy didn’t tell me is very proud of me, and the children are just so much happier. Ice kept constantly telling me she loved me at the weekend, probably because she can feel how loved she is when I am happy and doing things for them (not to say that I ever stopped loving them, but when you’re numb it’s a lot harder to express that love).
Anyways, I guess this post is just to say, I am plodding on and will keep you guys informed how counselling and CBT goes etc. At the moment I’m having to fill in a sleep diary and am still on the waiting list for counselling. My aim is to continue blogging, so we’ll see how we go.
Happy Monday everyone!
what Mama didn’t tell me