9 weeks to go

9 weeks to go (week 31)

So, here I am once again… (I’m torn into pieces) … sorry, couldn’t resist. I’m awake at 1:10am and I can’t blame the baby (well not the one on the outside of me) because he’s at my mums until tomorrow. I miss him so much when he’s away and constantly imagine hearing his cry and wanting to go tend to him. Alas, he is not here and not crying. He’s probably sleeping soundly in his travel cot for his Nana.

My hubby and I had a realisation before that, oh yes, I am 31 weeks pregnant and in 9 weeks or so there is going to be a baby. I have been ridiculously ill since week 9 of pregnancy where due to my hypermobility and my body not having time to heal since Judah (who was 7 months old at the time) I was placed back on crutches. We both seem to have forgotten there will be a baby at the end of all this. James says he’s got used to having a ‘disabled’ wife. No offence to those who truly have to bear this title but my complete lack of mobility now and the fact I cannot walk 100 meters without tearing more of my stomach muscles (causing great pain) would definitely make me blue badge worthy if caused by anything other than pregnancy. I am so used to being this way now, I almost can’t remember life before it.

The truth is though, I can. Instantaneously after Judah was born I no longer needed my crutches, the physio said it would take my body about a year to fully recover but obviously I didn’t really give myself that. However, I was doing Zumba and had joined the gym 6 weeks after he was born (jumping was the most interesting, my pelvic floor muscles got the biggest workout as I had to work really hard not to pee a little every time I had to do 8. counts of jumping). I keep having to remind myself that hopefully (God willing) this will be the same and as soon as little Eden is out of me I will have my body back.

Hyperemesis has been terrible this time, with Judah there was no more sickness at all from 28 weeks. Whereas I’m still throwing up daily at the moment, 31 weeks and counting. Hyperemesis totally kicks your butt as you can’t eat anything without feeling nauseous, throwing up constantly makes me really weak. Coupled with my pathetic muscles due to being bed bound most of the pregnancy I just feel pretty useless.

The girls (my step-daughters) are awesome though, they are so easy going and are happy to do things with me that don’t involve me leaving my bed most of the time. We have girlie times of doing face masks, braiding hair, painting nails, colouring, doing crafts. They love snuggling in with the hubby and I for a movie night, they join us in bed and eat sweets (usually with a face mask on their faces) and watch whatever Dreamworks/Disney movie they’ve picked up in town that week (under our supervision of course).

Judah is the one I feel terrible about, he’s still so small that even stood up (as he most often is now he’s walking), I have to bend down to engage with him, his toys, to change him, dress him, pick him up. It is so painful when I bend even an inch forward (because of my split tummy muscles) that I don’t often get to play with him as I should. He likes colouring now bless him, and will join in with us if I seat his high chair next to the dining room table but most of the time he’s just bumbling around us all. He is so content and such a happy baby, I just can’t help but feel like he has no other choice but to entertain himself. Is he just an amazingly content baby or due to lack of adult contact is he unable to play properly because we don’t engage with him properly?

I know this can be normal of the third child in a family anyway, he’s happy bumbling around the girls. My favourite is when they are dancing to Gangnam Style or Spice Girls he jumps around, joining in and absolutely loves it. He is definitely a happy child. I guess I just never thought he would have 3rd child syndrome (you know where they just kind of blend in the line and follow the others) because he was my first and for half the week he’s the only one here. My getting pregnant and being so badly affected by pregnancy just never allowed him to get the full attention I would’ve loved him to have ALL the time.

My hubby does an amazing job, don’t get me wrong and I’m so lucky that he’s physically around most of the time, but, it’s not the same. I really want to do things with him, messy play, sensory play, even walking him to the park I cannot do. It is so frustrating. James just reminds me that it’s temporary and I will be able to once Eden evacuates my uterus. Obviously, then though, there will be another baby and it won’t be the same. I sometimes feel like I let him down getting pregnant again so soon, but at the same time, I’m glad he’ll have his own little constant. The girls have each other as they’re shuttled back and forth between ours and their mum’s. Judah definitely misses them when they are gone. We are happy about this pregnancy, ecstatic even, think it’s just what us mother’s do (feel guilty that we could’ve done it better).

I passed my driving test last week and we get a car this coming Saturday. I am so excited about this as, it may seem pathetic but to me it is huge, I will be able to drive to the park at the end of the road with him and take him on the swings etc. take him to other places where I can then pace myself and my energy on walking him around the nice places as opposed to completely crippling myself trying to walk to the end of the street and having no energy to do anything when I get there.

Looking forward to how driving will change this dynamic of my last 2 months of pregnancy. Many day trips for Judah are planned. Stay tuned to see what we get up to.

Alexandra
Xxx

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