Have I got Post Natal Depression? or have I just had enough? (PND #2)

PND https://mamadidnttell.wordpress.com/2013/03/04/post-natal-depression/

Ice and I in Nero

Ok, so after many tears, which seems to be the normal at the moment, what Daddy didn’t tell me says, ‘I can’t understand how you’re feeling’.  I ask, ‘how do you think I am feeling?’, he replies, ‘horribly depressed’.  Yes, he is right but after going through a massive depression himself when his ex-wife left him for their female housemate, I suggest that he can identify with this.  His reply, ‘when I was depressed, I knew exactly what had pinpointed it’.  My response, ‘so do I’….

Right, so are you ready for the rant?

1) My brother goes into hospital after being sectioned September 2012 just before Little Miss Rae Rae’s 3rd birthday.  I was breastfeeding JAM and it wasn’t practical for me to go and visit him, also my inlaws were up and staying at our home to celebrate Rae Rae’s birthday festivities.  This was difficult for me to cope with, as I had also just agreed to having the girls 4 days a week, which began the first week of September.  This was an interesting transitional period.  I hated this time but seemed to get through it.

2) Christmas happened… as any new mother can imagine, Christmas with 3 children is a bit intense, especially when you’re expected to travel down to LDN with all of them on a train Christmas Eve weekend.  We ended up crushed at London Euston waiting for a delayed Virgin train, to the point that we were in a queue where we could not go forward or go back.  Little Miss Rae Rae literally had to stand there and wet herself there was no other option.  This resulted in me having a full scale melt down at the Virgin train manager once we were finally allowed through by police that were treating us like cattle.  Again, wasn’t nice but I seemed to cope.  We had the girls for 10 days over Christmas as for some unbeknown reason, their mother wasn’t bothered about seeing them….??  don’t ask.

3) January 11th – I miscarried.  Need I say more?  My hormones were all over, I was only 6 weeks gone but it resulted in me marching to the doctors to tell them my suicidal feelings and that I needed help.

4) My sister was sectioned and in hospital the week before my 30th birthday.  This completely smashed my heart to pieces, she was so vulnerable, not being treated well and getting worse every day that she was in there.  This was the final straw, I stopped going to the gym as soon as I heard the news, my diet went out the window, hopelessness began to set in.

5) As a result of #4, my 30th birthday was a sham.  The inlaws came up and what Daddy didn’t tell me took me away the night before my birthday to a beautiful place in the Lakes.  This part was lovely and a brief distraction from all going on with my sister but I came back to issues with the children’s Mum and to hear that my sis was getting worse.  I still haven’t celebrated my 30th with my family.

6) Mother’s Day sucked.  Really sucked.  I won’t go into details but I was gut wrenchingly reminded that the girls are not mine and felt utter rejection.  I heard bad news about my sister (she’s not out of the woods yet), what Daddy didn’t tell me presented me with a charm from JAM that was a dejavu moment (he presented me with the same charm when JAM was born).  Not to sound spoilt, but as I was already having a bad day this was just salt in the wound, I tried to fake happiness but he saw right through it, and I then burst into tears.  NB. this was replaced on Monday with a charm I adore and I was overjoyed, just was bad timing on the Sunday

7) Despite seeing a CBT and working hard at it (sleep diary etc), I am still not sleeping, this does not help any of the above.

8) Our finances suck due to my being ill – pressure, pressure!

With all of the above going on, I have been suicidal again this week, which is not like me.  I would never do anything, and I identify the thoughts straight away as ridiculous but I need to go back to the GP as something still can’t be right.  Can it?  I think my hormones must just be everywhere and I have a lot of pressure on me at the moment.  This has now (obviously) finally got to what Daddy didn’t tell me and my relationship.  I hate when we don’t get on, ours was the sort of romance you could write a steamy novel about.  We love each other deeply but I think he just can’t cope with my emotional turmoil anymore.  This is more pressure for me as I desperately want to just SNAP OUT OF IT, but it isn’t happening!  So back to the GP for me this morning.  JAM is now 8 months old.  Do you think that I have PND?  or just a lot of pressure?

Please feel free to comment

what Mama didn’t tell me

xxx

 

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Some Things That I Love #4

Something I read

Again, this one doesn’t work well for me, as I just don’t find the time to read.  I’ve been flicking through pinterest for ideas for Ice’s 7th birthday bash.  Does that count?  Lots of things ordered on Amazon this week to be prepared for the party of the year (well for Ice’s class mates anyway).  Fancy party bags, and finger foods at the ready, also, spent a lot of time in the Annabel Karmel book again, looking at how to make funky party food.  Stay tuned, will post plenty of pics once the party has been and gone.

Something I watched

I have felt severely depressed this week and seem to be just trawling my way through the Smallville boxsets in my possession.  Currently on Season 10 (shocking, I know).

smallville, some things that I love

Something I wore

My Pandora bracelet has a new charm thanks to Mother’s Day so I have been wearing it relentlessly.  Unlike me, as I usually have to take my jewellery off at night, this has stayed on my wrist since I was presented with the lovely engraved heart.

pandora, some things that i love

Something I listened to

Depressingly, not anything I can think of, other than myself practicing at the piano.  Not good, this may explain my recent mood.  I have listened to the radio whilst being in the minibus with the students I was working with on social action all week.  I have spent a lot of time in the minibus which is rare for me, as we don’t have a car.  Some of the local youths graced me with 1Direction at the top of their voice whilst it was on the radio.  (oops, must make an effort this week to get music back in my life).

Something I cannot live without

As a non drinker, this week, I’m ashamed to say, I have not been able to live without some coca cola.  I have had major sugar cravings, and giving into them has not helped my mood, and I dare say I’m a bit co-dependent on the caffeine now.  Must, make an effort to wean myself off them this week.

some things that i love

Some Things that I Love #3

Something I read

Still not a big reader, I’m afraid the extent of my reading this week is the Annabel Karmel baby & toddler cookbook.  I have been figuring out which foods JAM hasn’t tried yet (as he’s weaning I need to make sure I broaden his palette).  I discovered to my horror at a local softplay centre he doesn’t like fish.  He has never cried when being fed before, but he really screamed and made me feel awful.  There was no spitting it out, just full blown disappointment, as he has always thoroughly enjoyed EVERYTHING else that I’ve given him.  Will need to reintroduce with some sweet potato very soon, but left it for now, as I didn’t want to traumatise him or put him off forever.

JAMs displeasure, weaning

 

JAM’s displeasure at my offer of fish.  Here he is after demolishing a Heinz banana biscotti to make up for it

Something I watched

‘in the land of Mr Men far away, there’s lots of fun in a Mr Silly way…’ (ahem), yes, I haven’t really had time to watch anything this week.  I have however been subjected to learning letters with JAM’s Mr Men DVD.  I’ve watched some of my Smallville boxsets when I’ve not been able to sleep so that I can try and drift off.  So, yes, I guess Smallville Season 8 Boxset has made an appearance this week.  If you’ve not seen Smallville, it is hilarious, (it’s not supposed to be) I’m quite into the Superman/Batman mythology’s and love anything with a hero, but Smallville is so over the top serious, I often watch it wondering how the actor managed to deliver such a ridiculous line ie. ‘Well, I intend to find him and bring him to the Fortress before that happens. I got a faint signal from the console, and I found the crystal that Brainiac used to release Zod.’ (ah, only Tom Welling could deliver this with any authenticity… who am I kidding?).  I don’t know how it works but it does, the 10 season series was a huge hit in the U.S and I own all of them on boxset (ahem…sad).

smallville

Something I wore

My hunter wellies.  Little Miss Rae Rae and I were off taking part in some social action gardening for a disabled man on a local estate.  I was very impressed with her, she is 3 years old and man can she graft!  I was so impressed I offered her a present of her choosing, ‘ a teddy’, ‘what kind of teddy?’, ‘a pony teddy’.  Fair enough, that is my task this week to find and purchase a pony teddy.  I have also relinquished my Uggs to the season and have been wearing my grey Bench boots instead this past week.

IMG_1691 IMG_1699

 

Something I listened to

Oh yes, after much anticipation I picked up the new Hillsong UNITED album ‘Zion’.  You will find it high on the itunes charts (#2 in the U.S).  It is a Christian album, and I have been a huge fan of them for well over a decade.  I was eagerly waiting for the release date and purchased it immediately.  Different than usual, they have spent more time on the musicality and synthed up the voices etc.  I find it has shades of the Killers, Bloc Party.  My favourite track is #4 ‘Oceans (Where feet may fail)’.  Check it out.

zion

 

Something I cannot live without

This week has to be my Micralite Superlite Buggy.  It is so handy and nifty, I wasn’t sure when I purchased it how long my satisfaction would last.  I am an impulsive buyer and had not seen one in the flesh or tested it out.  I just read that it was the best in a magazine someone gave me.  It was the most expensive in the review and therefore my compulsiveness takes over.  I wanted to have it (not because it was the most expensive, because that reiterated to me that it must be the best one… terrible I know).  At £199 for a lightweight buggy I have not been disappointed.  It isn’t handy for putting bags of shopping on, infact I’m sure repeatedly doing so would break it as the frame only weighs 6kg’s (of course you can put shopping you can fit underneath it).  I absolutely adore it though, despite this one flaw which, in effect, just makes me spend less (and makes what Daddy didn’t tell me and our bank balance happier).  It is really handy on the bus, to quote Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman ‘it corners like it’s on rails’, and the beasty back wheels make it really easy to get in and out of our steep steps to the front door, I don’t have to lift it anymore! wuhoo!

IMG_1502

Thank you to but why mummy why for this fun blog I always enjoy doing!

some things that i love

 

Post Natal Depression

Post Natal Depression is an interesting thing.  I’ve not officially been diagnosed with it, but I have certainly been depressed.  The doctor’s have referred me to a Cognative Behavioural Therapist and counselling.  Counselling is a long waiting list (surprise, surprise) but I’ve been attending my sessions with my Doctor’s resident CBT.

The reason that I don’t think it is related to giving birth is because I was depressed before I got pregnant with JAM.  I already was attending counselling to deal with issues of sexual abuse as a child/teenager and my marriage had ended abruptly thanks to my ex-husbands penchant for domestic violence.  I stopped counselling when I was pregnant with JAM as I was really happy and I didn’t like the emotions that were rising up within me in my sessions.  I had read that although the baby didn’t necessarily feel what I felt, he would receive the same hormone surges as myself.  Counselling caused me great stress, and sometimes sadness so I decided to postpone until after he was born rather than giving him a weekly dose of cortisol.

post natal depression, baby in glasses

Once JAM was born obviously that brought it’s own stresses but I seemed to be coping.  We then committed to having the girls 4 days a week, so now I was a Mum of 3 for more than half a week every week.  My adopted brother was sectioned with Mental Health issues whilst I was planning Little Miss Rae Rae’s 3rd birthday party.  Then my adopted sister had the same happen to her the week of my 30th birthday (which is still uncelebrated with my side of the family as we’re waiting for her full recovery).  On top of all this, January 11th I had an early miscarriage.  I was only 6 weeks gone, which doesn’t make it any less heartbreaking, but practically it is a lot less invasive, the issue was that my hormones then went rogue.  Enough was enough, I was officially depressed.  I took myself off to the GP as I knew it was abnormal to want to die when I had a beautiful 6 month old that I adored.  Something had to be wrong.  So, I have been taking positive steps to deal with this ever since.

I wasn’t doing much in the day which was when I started blogging, but as I have been coming along with giant strides, I have struggled to find the time.  Today, I decided I wish to continue with the blogging and must begin to make it part of my routine.  Forgive me for my lack of blogging but I have managed to go out and do something, every day last week.  I have been gardening for disabled people, helping local youths on the bus project I work at, visiting my Mum with JAM.  Taking Ice to tap coaching classes, joining her PTA and meeting up with old friends.  I have come to this conclusion, I LOVE being busy.

I’ve been massively struggling to sleep, which is ironic because JAM has been sleeping brilliantly.  He is so much happier when I am out and about rather than struggling to entertain him because I can barely get out of bed.  What Daddy didn’t tell me is very proud of me, and the children are just so much happier.  Ice kept constantly telling me she loved me at the weekend, probably because she can feel how loved she is when I am happy and doing things for them (not to say that I ever stopped loving them, but when you’re numb it’s a lot harder to express that love).

Anyways, I guess this post is just to say, I am plodding on and will keep you guys informed how counselling and CBT goes etc.  At the moment I’m having to fill in a sleep diary and am still on the waiting list for counselling.  My aim is to continue blogging, so we’ll see how we go.

Happy Monday everyone!

what Mama didn’t tell me

xxx