Have you ever had one of those weeks where you feel so torn? Chaos surrounds you as your extended family is in turmoil, you need to process who to be there for as you cannot be there for everyone and still be a Mum to your children?… well that sums up my week.
Last September I had just started to have Ice and Little Miss Rae Rae every week Thursday to Sunday. Ice was doing better in school, the consistency was exactly what she needed and the teacher, her Mum, everyone had noticed a difference in her behaviour.
At this point, just before Little Miss Rae Rae’s 3rd birthday party, my little brother got really ill. He was in hospital and I was still breastfeeding JAM around the clock as he was only 3 months old. I hated it. I could not be there for my brother who was part of the only family that I had known until recently and play hostess to my inlaws coming up for Rae’s party, and also be around for my son. (my brother was on a ward that was not suitable to be taking JAM onto, although, does such a ward exist?).
It was horrible, I have never felt so torn. Once again, 3 days before my 30th birthday we have the same issue with my little sister. I was able to visit her before we went off to the Lake District, but it was really difficult to not just cancel all my plans, visits from the inlaws to be there for my family again. What Daddy didn’t tell me, was so excited about his plan to take me away, and seeing as we’re not flush with cash, it would have been a massive shame to lose the money he spent on my 30th birthday present. I decided to suck it up and not let my husband down.
My birthday has tremendously sucked for the last 3 years and what Daddy didn’t tell me had gone to great lengths to make sure that this year did not follow suit. (Last year I was crying in the Registry Office as I discovered we couldn’t mention God at our wedding, being a Christian and hormonal [5 months pregnant] it didn’t go down well).
So, here I am again, and once more I realise that being here for the girls and JAM is now my new role. As much as it hurts to not be there for the family unit that was once my own, I now have to understand that they are my extended family, and I am part of a different unit. This is a really hard lesson to learn, and I wish I could just be there for everyone. I know there will come a day where stability of my presence is not as required in the family home as much as it is now. Until that day, I need to say my prayers, be a support on the end of the phone for Mama Wood and visit as much as I can without completely disrupting the family home. (what Daddy didn’t tell me still has to be able to work without me allowing the entire house to fall into turmoil due to my emotional distress).
I know I can’t be the only one out there finding this… please feel free to comment.
Lots of love
what Mama didn’t tell me